Who, what, why, where and how?

I'm a quarter century old and more lost than ever. I just quit a job that was really promising, I almost thought it was my career path. I saw myself in it in the long run but four years into it, my inner voice was telling me; no thats not the one. Then what it?

Lets go back to who I am, my name is Crizzle Caliva (sure sounds like a fake name) but that's my actual name. I'd like to say my mom got real creative when she had me, its a mix of two names Cristal being my moms favorite name and Rizza, my papas favorite and prettiest sister and boom Crizzle was created. I was born in the islands of the Philippines, I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth if any at all. So I know the struggle, living in a third world country and living under poverty. Though my family wasn't financially blessed, I grew up in unconditional love. Love was all around me, my parents were so young and so in love and I got to see that. I was 11 when my father was tragically taken away from us, in a matter of seconds it was just me and my mom in this cruel world. I was broken, maybe I still am. My papa was my best friend, he was my everything. But my mom had to be strong, she showed me strength I never thought existed. Losing the love of your life, the man you grew up with and build a family with and having to raise a child. Gosh, I truly look up to her for surviving, for her motivation to get out of poverty and thrive. She met my step dad and we moved to Sacramento, California. When I first moved to the states I felt out of place, first of all I have a filipino accent and everything was so different, from not wearing a uniform to my school mates making out in the halls during breaks. It was a culture shock. But I eventually got used to it, I found my group of friends. I started coming out of my shell.

Throughout high school I had three boyfriends, not serious ones though. And in my senior year I met a soul mate, the boy who changed my whole perspective on love. I fell deeply, immensely in love. I was with him for six years, I got kicked out of my parents house because of him, I moved in with him, my mom sent me to college back in the Philippines, left college and came back to him. Long story short, I really fucking loved that boy. He moved to Orange County to be with me, though I told him I was ready to settle down and move in together, I really wasn't. I made every excuses to not find an apartment with him. Eventually the relationship became toxic and we broke up (the story is a whole different blog). Once again I was broken.

I was working at a unlicensed cannabis dispensary, I submerged myself in my job. I worked 16 hour days to ignore my brokeness but it paid off, within three months I got promoted to run my own shop. There I was barely 21 and running a million dollar business. To eventually running 12 shops at once as a regional manager. All of a sudden a truck load of responsibilities was thrown at me, I rode the waves and I really loved it at one point. I was was assigned to run a shop in DTLA when I found out more about spirituality and nutrition. I was driving everyday from Anaheim to DTLA which was a two hour drive, I dove into podcasts and audible books. And from all the information I gathered, I eventually turned vegan.

That what made me dig deep into spirituality, astrology, moon cycle,meditation, yoga. I started having vivid dreams, I started controlling my dreams. It was really wild. In the midst of my awakening, I started questioning my purpose this is when I became uncomfortable with not being completely satisfied with what I do. I fought myself for months about till eventually even my own body was showing me signs, I fainted twice in two weeks before heading to a corporate meeting, as if my body was telling me "No Criz, dont go". Even had a break down after a meeting. Finally I took these signs in consideration. I quit my job.

But I ask myself everyday, if not managing and running businesses, then what is your passion? How do you find out what it is? And where do you find it?

When I was young when people would ask me what I want to be when I grow up, I would say, in exact words "I want to be a singer, or a writer.. oh no I want to be a teacher", so it has to be one of those.

Fast forward to today, I'm sitting here at a cafe in Ubud Bali. Writing and sharing a little bit of myself. Traveling in Bali for a month, hoping to truly travel within myself and come closer to my highest good and serve this generation with motivation and inspiration.