Birthday Blues

I'm about to turn 26 tomorrow, I'm feeling old but also really grateful for my beautiful life. This year alone has been nothing but lessons that turned into blessings. However am I the only one who feels a bit anxious or maybe even sad on my birthday? Isn’t it supposed to be a joyous, wonderous, best-day-of-the-year, you’re-supposed-to-feel-so-special-cuz-you’re-the-queen day?! But I feel the complete opposite?

Generally, I’m always enthusiastic about celebrating my own birthday. But it's been different for the past couple years, don't get me wrong I went skydiving in San Diego, spent the weekend in Mexico and wrapped it up with a fancy upscale dinner in LA last year. But for some reason it doesn't come close to the happiness I used to feel when I was little, when I was surrounded by my family and close friends. I guess the reason I no longer look forward to my birthdays as much as I once did is that I’m missing a key person to celebrate with me. My papa passed away in 2005, it just haven’t been the same since.

My birthday happens to coincide with the start of the busy holiday season, too, so my stress is already sky-high. During the December stretch, I know everyone is trying to figure out vacation schedules, work demands, and family travel — not to mention christmas dinner menus and shopping and cooking and cleaning and planning and budgeting and Christmas presents and, well, who has time for a birthday?

Since I tend to be the planner of my family and my friends, it typically falls to me to make my own birthday plans: picking a restaurant, making a reservation, and what not. This just adds to my to-do list and stress level.

For some reason I also hold an expectations for my friends, especially the ones I go out of my way for. Not that I think they owe me anything but I just expect them to maybe take the day off, plan a trip to come see me, like how I would for their birthday or send me a bouquet of flowers or something. I always want a surprise birthday party where I open the door and BOOM all my friends and family are there singing happy birthday, just like how you see it in movies. But let's be real, we're in our mid 20s and everyone is either busy or broke. The only time people would come out to celebrate with you is if you're famous or you're ballin' and have free dinner and drinks and all they have to do is show up and take pictures to prove they were there.

But I'm starting to realize that I should not hold any expectations, it's the same with any relationship. This is also one reason why I travel alone, I realized that I'm not waiting for anyone to be ready. Nor should I expect anyone to be on the same frequency that I am.

I initially planned a weekend in San Diego since I'm skydiving again this year. My mom even got me a two night stay at the Hilton Resort and Spa. But none of my friends can make it, or its all a "maybe". Stressing about who's coming out to celebrate with me or am I celebrating alone?

Well I'm celebrating with my family on my actual birthday, a nice fancy brunch in Malibu and wine tasting at Malibu Wine Safari (I LOVE ANIMALS, if you didn't know) so I'm stoked to be petting zebras and giraffes while sipping wine.

But for the weekend I changed my plans, I'm going to attend a yoga class, meditate and reflect on the past year of my life, set goals for the upcoming year and invite abundance of happiness, health, wealth and love into my life. I'm going to volunteer to feed homeless people and donate to a charity instead of getting drunk.

Now that sounds like a better and more rewarding way to spend my birthday.